|Severa Snape (severa_snape) wrote,|
@ 2012-01-18 15:38:00
|Current music:||A Little Bit Stronger- Sara Evans|
|Entry tags:||life, personal|
Warning: Many downer moments, rambling thoughts, and maybe a hint of being melodramatic.
This New Year hasn’t started off well, but I’d like to hope the changes I make now will change my future for the better. I’m desperately clinging to that hope.
To start off easy, I’ve been over loaded with work the last month because I was told I will be taking over my coworker’s job, because she retired, as well as my own. The sucky part about this whole thing is that I will still be paid the same regardless of the extra work. To put it in a bit of perspective of how upset I’m am over this is the fact to I get paid $16 per hour for my job and I’m doing a $26 an hour job on top of it. Add the fact that I haven’t gotten a raise in 5 years and you have volcanic eruption waiting to happen. I do anything that is asked of me from pretty much everyone because I’m the low man on the totem poll. I’m their secretary, call center, filer, copier, mass mail marketer, logo designer, biller, accounts payable, pay roll, and you name it I probably do it. On top of everything else, I have a 45 mile route to drive everyday. I should be thankful that I have a job and keep positive about it, but most days it just doesn’t seem worth it. I just wish our economy would improve so it would give me a chance to find a better job closer to home. I am in the process of going into law enforcement, but the whole thing for start to finish will take up to 6 months, which I don’t know if I have the strength to continue to work where I’m currently at for that long. I’m going to try and find a new place just in case things don’t go as planned.
Now for the more difficult subject.
Last Friday I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend of 8 years (ironically Whiskey Lullaby played one the radio just I pulled up in his driveway). It was one of the hardest things to do, but I just couldn't put myself through the torment he was putting me through every day anymore. What was worse was the fact it was 2 weeks before our anniversary (That’s going to be Hell come the 27th). I just couldn’t take the old issues coming up with wanting to be friends with this woman who had hurt out relationship in the past. Pathetically, a person who he’s only known online, yet has done plenty of damage.
*Click here if you want the Back story*
She’s like a cancer plaguing body and soul, which is the reason I’ve decided to leave than wait a few months before the same old problem begin again. I deserve better than that. Why should I be with a man who would forget all the struggles and all the pain she’s cause us? Why would he want be friends whose character is so tainted and ugly? Why would he chose her friendship over someone he’s suppose to love and disregarding my feelings? What does that truly say about him and his choices?
I’ve tried to be his motivator when he’s been down, kept him on track with important events, been there for every family members death, held him as he cried when things were difficult, made it through every painful stab at me with his actions. I was physically there through it all not matter how difficult it was to continue standing. Yet, here I am again invisible and treated as though I don’t matter.
It's a bit unfair for me to say all these things because he really isn't a bad person, but it all just a matter of circumstances and views of the world. We are not similar in many things in the fact that I want to live life to the fullest and expect much of myself and he would rather live in the virtual world of FB.
I know I’m better off, but it doesn’t make reality any easier. It hurts to be chosen last, it hurts to be looked at as worthless. It makes it harder, yet easier, to be told by his family members that’s a moron that’s chasing a figment, a person that could very well not exist over me. That I should not let him hurt my future relationships because I’m a great person and deserves more than the treatment I’ve been through.
I’m doing my best to keep distracted, but it’s hard when you’ve been so use to something for so long and the next it’s gone. I’ve found myself having to hold my tongue when things in movies come up and I would just be about comment something my ex use to say. It’s especially hard when the bastard keeps texting me wanting to “meet in the middle.” I can’t. I just can’t, because my morals and values wont let me degrade myself in such a way. I gave him the opportunity to make the choice, yet he wanted me to forgive her. That is too much to ask from me since I’ve done it 3 times already, believing I’ve misjudged her, only to be burned. I’ve sacrificed too much of myself over her and I’m choosing to say no more. It’s just a matter of trying to stand on my own two legs and moving forward one step at a time.
I’m thinking I should go back to church on Sundays because they may help me be more motivated and give me some form of healing. I’m also considering joining a few groups to socialize and meet people my age with similar interest. All I can say is Thank God for my dog and her unconditional love and my mom. I don’t have to put on a face for them like I do the moment I leave my doorstep.
I’m just so tired, worn, and exhausted. I really am over it with the negative thoughts and events that keep arising, testing me. I’m just tired of trying so hard to be positive in hopes that things will turn around.